Tricia

These are pictures of Tricia and Aidan, her son. Tricia is new to the program. On the first occasion we met in Julie's "Late Lounge," Tricia proudly told me that Aidan did not have a father. While I think that many of the women at Julie's would say their children do not have fathers because these men are uninvolved in the children's lives or the mothers wish they were uninvolved, I was struck my Tricia's openness and calmness on the subject.

I have found that in these peculiar situations it is often best to stay quiet, even if there is a silent pause, and wait for an explanation. The explanation did indeed come when Tricia told me that she conceived her son through artificial insemination. She said that her whole life she wanted a child, but that the men in her life just didn't measure up to what she wanted the father of this long-anticipated child to be. Nearing 40, she considered and followed through with this alternative route to pregnancy, which bore her Aidan, who she calls her "miracle child."

Tricia is not the only woman at Julie's to have a professed "miracle child." Over breakfast this morning I was talking with a mom I have been friendly with for months. She told me that she'd been considering the interview questions that go along with the family portrait project. We began to talk about some of the questions, and she told me that her son too was a "miracle child." The mom had been involved with drugs and dealing for eights years, and went to prison for related offenses. After her release she spent time at a halfway house and became pregnant there. She waited for the miscarriage since doctors at three hospitals at told her that she could not have children due to the extensive drug use.

The miscarriage she expected made her eager to get back to drugs - a way to escape the emotional hurt of loosing an unborn child. But after five months of pregnancy she knew a miracle was happening, and she changed her life in preparation for his arrival. That is when she came to Julie's and became clean. She still lives with the child's father, and they just moved into their first apartment in the fall.

Both Tricia's story and Kim's story have increased my excitement to interview moms on the topic of motherhood as part of my documentary work at Julie's. Today I conducted my first interview with Lisa, one of the first moms I photographed. This is how she responded when I asked her about a time when she felt like a good mother.

Now. Now I can, I can really see that I am good at what I do with Maria. She’s always by my side. I don’t leave her with a babysitter. The only people that watch my child are her father and Julie’s. And it’s not that I’m paranoid. I just think that I go to school a lot, and she doesn’t see me all week during the day. We only have the four hours between getting home and going to bed that…I like to spend as much time with her as I can.

And I know that I am good mom because when I pick her up from daycare the first thing she does is runs over, “Mommy, I missed you.” So it feels good to know that I am missed. You know, and then to lay on the couch and have her rub my leg, and say, “Mommy, I love you. You’re my favorite.”

And other people. Other people tell me, “Wow, you’re so good.” Women - that don’t even know me and live in the development that I live in - will talk to my friends and say:

She’s a good mom. She has her little pushcart. Whether it’s raining or whatever, she has her little pushcart. She goes to the laundry mat. She goes to the food store. She always has Maria holding on to the little cart walking right next to her. Every time we see Lisa she’s with Maria. If she’s not with Lisa, she’s with her dad. And those are the only places that we know Maria goes.

And it’s good. I love it. It’s just…I know I am a good mom because Maria can turn to me and say, “I love you. Thank you,” for no reason, for no reason. We can just watch TV, and “Thank you, Mommy. I love you.” And it’s good to…it’s good to know.